November 22, 2009
that one day you'll stop loving me and you'll just feel like being there because I still love you.
I don't want to be your target practice
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i wrote this before i asked my bf to go online... and we just broke up..... someone tell me wtf happened before i asked him to go online........ despite our fights, i still love him and still want to believe in him... moving forward in baby steps with him doesn't seem to be enough..
nothing in the world hurts more to know that my most beloved one no longer loves me...
I don't want to be your target practice
-
i wrote this before i asked my bf to go online... and we just broke up..... someone tell me wtf happened before i asked him to go online........ despite our fights, i still love him and still want to believe in him... moving forward in baby steps with him doesn't seem to be enough..
nothing in the world hurts more to know that my most beloved one no longer loves me...
10:28 PM
November 17, 2009
don't ever raise your voice against me..
... it hurts me; it scares me; it makes me sad.
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yu are right, sister. :/ i fail to see what you tell me.. today we had (another) argument.. we were suppose to hit the movies today.. and he backed out cuz he was tired.. i was tired too and i still wanted to see a movie with him. then like, he said can we do it next week? i said no.. i have a midterm on thu.. then he went to raise his voice saying i promised and stuff .. sigh.. if i fail my midterm, i blame it on him. :/
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my friend confessed to me today.. bad timing.. im sorry.. it hurts as much as it does to him to admit this, trust me. i like him way too much to lose him as a friend. so dakara, please don't wait for me.. i cannot make you happy =/ you deserve someone better than me.
i wanna sleep more because dreaming is better than reality now..
... it hurts me; it scares me; it makes me sad.
-
yu are right, sister. :/ i fail to see what you tell me.. today we had (another) argument.. we were suppose to hit the movies today.. and he backed out cuz he was tired.. i was tired too and i still wanted to see a movie with him. then like, he said can we do it next week? i said no.. i have a midterm on thu.. then he went to raise his voice saying i promised and stuff .. sigh.. if i fail my midterm, i blame it on him. :/
-
my friend confessed to me today.. bad timing.. im sorry.. it hurts as much as it does to him to admit this, trust me. i like him way too much to lose him as a friend. so dakara, please don't wait for me.. i cannot make you happy =/ you deserve someone better than me.
i wanna sleep more because dreaming is better than reality now..
3:01 PM
November 14, 2009
♥ one month
happy one month BB !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one freaking month of tears, sweat and pain man. lol please dont ever do what you did last month.. kinda hard to see the light at the end of the road.. :/
thankiu for your flowers and chocolates <333333333 those choco are my favorite's.. nice guess(yes you didnt know they were my favorites until now i bet) seeing you today made me realize how much I missed you. Sorry for neglecting you from my work schedule. I do try my best to make time for you.. it just hurts when you say I don't bother trying. sigh :(
thankiu for your flowers and chocolates <333333333 those choco are my favorite's.. nice guess(yes you didnt know they were my favorites until now i bet) seeing you today made me realize how much I missed you. Sorry for neglecting you from my work schedule. I do try my best to make time for you.. it just hurts when you say I don't bother trying. sigh :(
4:58 PM
November 11, 2009
♥ voiceless
i cant stop listening to preston's music lately.. such great talent.. never give up Preston. i got your back. even if it will take years for you to graduate, never lose hope. i have faith in you; only those who seek high achieve success.
I admit, I check his FB a lot more lately to get news about him. I just woke up and I see "I tried so hard." ... if spamming my email and talking to me on MSN is trying so hard, then I don't know what to say. No calls/sms from him and no signs of his face since last time we saw each other. Seriously, if that is trying so hard, then maybe I'm just expecting wayy too much from him or maybe, he doesn't know what means trying hard. If he really cared, he would at least make an effort to meet up with me. After all, he has my schedule, I don't have his -_-
"Loving someone means hoping for the best of them with or without you." Is he too good for me? Am I too demanding for him? I admit I do have some high maintenance traits but believe me, compared to other TO/VAN girls, I am still pretty decent.
clickie :)
12:40 PM
♥ あなたが いなくて 寂しい気持ちになりました...
he just told me to forget everything that just happened.. people don't forget.. people forgive but never forget. im not trying to pretend to be strong but sometimes, when he's using a tone of voice i don't like, i hide my weak side. you know the kind of feeling you just want to say, i wish you were here when im feeling blue. instead, i just tell him i dont enjoy to be in depression and he would tell me plainly to fix it. -.-' it kinda hurts to be honest. just looking back i feel such a child but i wasn't the only one. why can't we just put the sacarsm, the arrogance, the insults aside? sigh i am no man so you can stop talking to me like one now.
aaaaaaaand as expected, i knew he wouldnt be happy about my new job. i think after 2 yrs of not working at all and being spoiled by my uncles and aunts, it's about time i work. i didn't tell him anything about it because i knew and expected him to not be please about my accomplishment. Getting a job I like is an accomplishment for me and not to forget I'm 20. Most of my friends are ALREADY working for crying out loud. The least I wanted him to do was to support me for my goals in life.. is it too much to ask? Everyone is supporting me in my new job except him. sigh wow just wow. Never in my entire life I would ask someone to give up their dreams for me; never. I hope he soon realize this world doesn't revolve around him and he's not the king of the world.. if i have fear issues, then he has thinking issues. -.- when things don't work like he wants, he will get pissed/angry/sad. sigh i even took wednesday off for him and yet still not satisfied. what am i suppose to do?
sisi.. why are you so far away.. i want to talk to you.. i need you to tell me everything will be okay.. that i'm doing the right thing.. i still truly sadly deeply still do like him. I still like him and that why it hurts so much.. i like him but i dunno what to do.. :/ you would probably want to murder me if you knew i still like him =.='
1:56 AM
November 10, 2009
♥ too harsh? too soft?
I have been thinking.. am I too harsh towards my boyfriend? My friends told me I already lasted until a few weeks of harsh manners, rude language, etc and that was a record. LOL =.=' I feel no women should lower their standards to their men no matter his background or if it't their first time dating.. we have a pride to keep and if their men cannot keep it up or making progress to see them, then either they fail at seeing them or just take you for granted. i think its disrespectful and dishonest to both parties including myself. If i lower my standards for myself, then I am just basically lying to myself. And if I lower my standards for him, he will never be able to understand how I truly feel. sigh. its like almost 2 weeks now and still no signs of him in reality; just spamming in my inbox. I dare not to read; i dare not to cry again tonight.
Back to my case, is he taking me for granted? Is he failing to see my needs? I want to lean to the 1st option from the 2nd one but refuse to awknowledge it.. Amz told me that he mentioned he would cut weed definitely if he was dating me.. now I am, he doesn't see the importance/weight I associate weed with negative signs. Not because I'm listening to the society norms like he always claims I do, but because I don't like it at all. I don't like the smell of it, I don't like people taking any form (not just weed) of drugs or cigarettes; in other words, I despise it. I might not know personally the feeling of taking them; however, I know what I like or not and that is one thing I abhor the most. I asked him if he would end it after college and the fact he dared to tell me no is just shocking. After college, you're fully an adult that will have a career, a family to build, etc. If I decide to stay with him, then I wouldn't want my kids to know their father smokes weed because 1. it's bad influence and 2. I refuse to let them follow that example. I might think a bit too far but anything related to drugs (weed, e, etc) and cigarettes, I don't want to talk/know about it period. I'm somewhat happy that he's cutting it to once a 3 weeks occasional smoke but am I doing this for myself? And funny how the number 3 weeks came up from his mind. If he's willing to smoke it once/3 weeks, he might as well smoke once per month because it won't make much difference; at least to me as it seems. If he's not even willing to make it once per month, then I don't know how he could possibly tell Amz he would stop smoking weed.. Maybe I just don't get men at all. Let's face reality; clearly I think he is addicted to weed but doesn't seem to be aware of it.
Yesterday, I was eating in Concordia with the guys; yes finally ! Stupid Jack always replacing me since U2 hahaa funny how I always try to diss him; it comes off so naturally now and even William is catching up to my level =P
It's kinda sad I can't imagine myself bringing RJ to eat with my friends; either he will think I'm a player since I was the only girl or he just won't intergrate himself in random chinese eating habits. I'm pretty sure health is important for him; but if I was able to eat salad that I hate in front of him at the sushi place, I'm sure he can do the same for me at least once in his life. To think about it.. if he brought outside food or whines about the unhealthy of outside food in the restaurant with my family.. my family would have just left him alone in the table.. like left the restaurant because 1. it is indeed rude and 2. it's just not right. My family might not the most healthy family in the world but we at least know how to conduct ourselves in front of others. Sigh. Just thinking of him lately makes me sad. Thankiu for being there for me guys, I love you all <3 ^^
PS: I GOT A JOB IN FOREVER21 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D yep yep yep can't wait to start for real next week =D I never contributed to the opening of a clothing store.. so I can't waiiiiiiiit !
10:00 PM
November 8, 2009
♥ Endless Story - Yuna Ito
If you haven't changed your mind
そばにいてほしいよ Tonight
強がることに疲れたの 幼すぎたの
Every time I think about you baby
今なら言える I miss you
It's so hard to say I'm sorry
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I don't want to read your emails anymore.. it hurts too much to read them and it takes too much of me to reply to you.. I'm not going to read anything from you anymore until I'm ready to do so.. 對不起。。 我唔係一個堅強的女人 ：/
そばにいてほしいよ Tonight
強がることに疲れたの 幼すぎたの
Every time I think about you baby
今なら言える I miss you
It's so hard to say I'm sorry
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I don't want to read your emails anymore.. it hurts too much to read them and it takes too much of me to reply to you.. I'm not going to read anything from you anymore until I'm ready to do so.. 對不起。。 我唔係一個堅強的女人 ：/
10:42 AM
♥ you
My friends are telling me to give up/dump him/ditch him/break up with him (you name it) but I want to believe in him that something will be improved; something will happen to make all this pain/suffering/shattered feelings fade away.
i just realized how messy is my room. people say a picture is worth a thousand words so here's mine:
my room is a mess; so are my thoughts and feelings. ironic isn't it?
1:23 AM
November 7, 2009
♥ my heart station
I locked my thoughts in a box,
So they will never spoil.
Hidden from the sunlight,
Underneath the soil.
8:32 PM
November 6, 2009
♥ your voice
i wanted to call you to wish you good luck for your party.. but i was too scared to hear your voice.. too afraid to cry.. but i ended up crying anyways.. sigh your voice was like listening to my favorite song.. now i feel like im being deprived from listening my favorite song.. :/
6:11 PM
